should i confront my boyfriend about text messagesshould i confront my boyfriend about text messages

Why do people feel the need to check, or even have access to their partners phone? We always tell each other just about everythingor at least I thought. The app is virtually impossible to detect. 5. He only replies when I message him, but when I tell him that "maybe I'll message him later" he always tells me, "he's, text me later for sure" and then I text him (usually he's at work and I get he's busy sometimes, but he's texted me all night some nights) but it's so hard to keep a conversation going with him. The eye tracker used by the researchers recorded two factors: Researchers also asked participants to indicate which message they would find most distressing if they were to discover it on their own partners phone, although this was not an essential part of the study. You may be so caught up in trying to see who your boyfriend is texting that you forgot to think things all the way through: if it does turn out that your boyfriend is texting another girl in a flirtatious way, what will you do about it? But before you jump to conclusions, recognize that the compulsion to check up on your partner may also "say more about you than your partner," according to Lamia. A woman is constantly trying to text him. If these doubts become a recurring pattern, you might be tempted to snoop on your partnercheck text messages, read emails, look at recent callsto see if your fears are warranted. You can do much better than this guy. The first thing to do if you are worried about your partner's behavior is to consider whether you are being reasonable. Be prepared for him to be (rightfully) angry, and don't make excuses for the snooping (e.g., "Oh, your phone just happened to be on the table and I tripped and accidentally fell on it and opened your text messages"). Answer: There's no need to ask questions in a case like that. The only thing yo. Can Cyber-Snooping Ever Help a Relationship? If this is the case, there will be some telltale signs that he will give off that will clue you into his infidelity. Question: My boyfriend is talking with other girls, and when I asked him, he refused to tell me. React. This is evidence that he WANTS to cheat and is actively looking to cheat. There's no need to make it dramatic. Talking about that wont make him a decent person all of a sudden. She writes: I'm insecure about my relationship at times, though for most part I'm not given any reasons. Find a good time to talk. "So my boyfriend at the time got a new iPhone and we hooked it up to my Macbook to set it . We always tell each other just about everythingor at least I thought. It's definitely not okay. If you're paranoid and jealous because he has shown himself to be untrustworthy before, either trust him or dump him. If you tell me the truth, I will deny your needs. As Andrew explains: In most cases, if your partner is texting someone else, it is a cry for help. "Does this person want you to be jealous in order to secure their tie to you?" Uh-oh, our reader has a guilty AND suspicious mind. Turn off the TV or anything going on in the background and focus on your partner. An age gap in friendship can open you to the potential of new experiences and a fresh perspective. Delete Everything Related To Them. Your feeling is correct, there is just that creepy belief in some places that, somehow, trusting your partner to no privacy is okay if you are a woman. Hes lying about it, too. The risk that comes with checking your partners private correspondence is that you may find material, however ambiguous, that causes you to feel jealous, whether in the form of thoughts, emotions, or behavior. This may sound crazy, but try not to be judgmental or accusatory. "These conversations will, or should, help you learn something about yourself and ultimately make your bond stronger with your partner.". The Arena Media Brands, LLC and respective content providers to this website may receive compensation for some links to products and services on this website. It means that you are invading his privacy and that you don't trust him at all. This simply means that you should acknowledge them. Our free weekly newsletter provides you with inspiration, advice, news, quotations, competitions and exclusive offers. Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Do you look at the text messages on your partners phone? document.getElementById('js-copyright').appendChild(document.createTextNode(new Date().getFullYear())) Which of the 12 Relationship Patterns Best Describes Yours? Cyberpsychology, Behaviour and Social Networking, 18, (1), 37-40. When Emily Gold* logged onto her husband's email with dread pooling in stomach, she was hoping for the best. Dunn, M. J. In some instances, your fears might be warranted, says Lamia. Here's the thing about snooping: If you really can't resist the urge to spy on your guy, your relationship is already broken. "Someone might snoop because their needs feel unmet by their partner, and they are trying to make sense of the disconnection or rejection they feel," Lamia explains. Are you okay with that? A clever study by Dunn and Mclean (2015) investigated this concept by presenting participants with four imagined text messages that contained either sexual or emotional content. (2012). This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. "Their ability to have a conversation about your concerns will tell you more about their capacity to be a good mate than your snooping will ever reveal," Lamia says. A confrontation about cheating is serious. Your husband is probably in denial about the true nature of this relationship. Just know he might try to love bomb you and worm his way back in. To revisit this article, select My Account, thenView saved stories. Here, are a few questions to ask yourself and the best way to talk out your concerns if you're feeling tempted to snoop. Why waste your time on something you're not completely committed to? "If you have to ask to see your partner's texts or email, you have crossed a line." "Some people try to control a relationship by inciting insecurity in their partners," Lamia says. That kind of thing. I just want the truth. Try these tips. Ask him about it. The sooner he shows his true colors, the better. As someone who has admittedly picked up a boyfriend's cell phone and scrolled right through his text messages, please know that I am not judging you for this mistake. Bleh! The only thing that makes me feel a wee bit better is that he said "In all likelihood she's going to be who I marry." If your partner is merely texting his long-term friend, then you have no reason to doubt him. Clearly express your hurt, give him the cold shoulder, make him jealous, and focus on yourself to make him regret cheating. He says hes single and that he would love to take them out. Nobody likes the person that they become when they are consumed with waiting for their partner to go to the bathroom so they can pounce on their phone and quickly scroll through texts. Have a conversation with him about it. Im pretty sure this hasnt happened yet. 'You've just found an incriminating text and someone might be more than a friend or colleague. If there is no trust, there is no relationship. Not only he immediately deletes every chat after a couple of hours, I also cought him sending random texts to girls and also replying to a girls story (in which she was provocately half naked) praising her and basically flirting. Is that ok to you? martinez_Cake Follow. Can you really forgive him and learn to move on from it? Does it depend on the degree that your boyfriend was flirting with her? You clearly weren't secure before, and what you saw is only going to exacerbate the problem. We have been seeing a marriage counselor regarding this and other issues. Either way, you wont be able to have a conversation about his texting that will be helpful to you individually or as a couple until a deeper understanding is reached. 2) You two need to have a different conversation, one that doesnt involve assumptions and ultimatums. It's normal to be attracted to other people sometimes, but it's hard to have a relationship if we're not honest with each other, right?". Securely-attached people don't usually assume betrayals in their relationships, but, if they did, they'd have a discussion with their partner about it. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. Did You Doublecheck Your Online Dating Profile Bio? Getting mad won't change the fact that he's been trying to woo some other girl. 4. Ask for permission. . At bar she said hey and smiled then when I went on dancefloor she followed me and started dancing. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Take a look at the context surrounding the lie: was he trying to protect you? The conversation lasted about two days, and when they were going to meet, he flaked out. Snooping won't solve your relationship problems, says Mary Lamia, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in private practice in Marin County, California: "You do not want to live your life having to snoop in order to feel safe or loved.". Your safety is the most important thing, and no matter what someone says, control is not love. Or will that just risk making the whole situation even worse? Can you be less curious about his texts and become more curious about what you can do to create more connection with him? Glamour may earn a portion of sales from products that are purchased through our site as part of our Affiliate Partnerships with retailers. If you have any questions, please send us a modmail. It allows you to read your spouse's text messages with them being none the wiser. My boyfriend and I have been dating for eight months. Whether they're lying and cheating (or not), stirring up emotions like jealousy, suspicion, or shame may make you question your self-worth. Neatspy is a top-rated phone monitoring app. Sounds like he goes out clubbing and fucking other girls as the mood takes him. I found this out when I saw his phone. We caught up with marriage therapist Andrew G Marshallto get some top tips on what to do if you think your partner is texting someone else. You can find out more about our use, change your default settings, and withdraw your consent at any time with effect for the future by visiting Cookies Settings, which can also be found in the footer of the site. Examine how his lies fit into the greater context of your relationship. Tell him how you feel. If he really feels the need to meet up with his ex for some kind of closure, he should at least be open with you about that. Every relationship is different. Talk first. Men typically become more jealous of sexual infidelity because this poses a risk to the paternity of their offspring. What may have started off as privacytexts between friendshas now moved into secrecy, not necessarily because hes doing anything wrong, but because of something going on between the two of you. Your boyfriend texting an ex may raise some eyebrows, but it may not necessarily be something to be worried about. Youve just found out that he wants to be unfaithful. . The study employed a sample of 42 undergraduate students. Or was he trying to get away with doing something very wrong? On the other hand, if your friends are warning you about your boyfriend and telling you that he is texting another girl with bad intentions, take their advice seriously. If you guys can get through this and move forward and trust each other again, I hope you'll come out a stronger couple for it. For the sexual message, the opposite pattern was observed: Men fixated more on this message than women, and spent more time looking at this message than women did. It's just my mind being mean. Block their number, set . Being ignored can impact your mental health, and of course, it will impact your relationship. But anger is a secondary emotion. In other words, he may have already cheated. I got stood up and I'm embarrassed, very confused and hurt. Except maybe, "So, did you leave any stuff at my place? Understanding each other is the basis of connection. Thanks for the update. Or are you just very suspicious of his actions? Answer (1 of 4): Well you are on shaky ground because you shouldn't be going through his phone I think if you have to snoop on your boyfriend then you clearly don't trust him so the rest is irrelevant as the relationship is over anyway as you can't be in a relationship with someone you don't tr. The number and the duration of participants fixations to each text message were recorded with an eye-tracking machine. This . If I thought you could put this behind you and move forward without snooping again, I might be tempted to say you should pretend it never happened and spare yourself the huge fight. Talk with your partner about what you feel and why you think you feel it, and note how they react to your worries." A worthy partner can have a conversation with . This is not an all-inclusive list. Is it cheatingor, truly, a busy work week? He's an a-hole and you don't want to be associated with him because he's just making you look bad. You can just do it because you dont like being with them anymore. He also has two kids whom he never sees at all! Reader's Dilemma: Should I Confess to Snooping Through My Boyfriend's Texts? Is he a child who needs you to manage his life for him? Waterlow, L. (2013). We'd like to take this time to remind users that: We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? You don't get a free pass. If you don't know exactly who the girl is, it's possible that she could have some kind of family relationship with him. Ask your partner ahead of time when a good time to talk is. So I kind of think you have to suck it up, confess, and have this major fight. Do you ever wonder if you shouldand is your partner OK with you looking at their texts? YOU are the reward! Why the fuck would you date an almost 40 year old man? Dear Wayne and Wanda, I desperately need advice. I know I'm being silly, cause this amazing guy is moving FOR ME! Here are 12 confessions that might leave you trying to come up with a harder passcode for your phone. Sometimes this is with good motivation: People dont want to waste time being with a cheat. Instead, try not to panic, things might not be as bad as you think. Decide what you're going to do now, because when the moment of confrontation comes, you may be too emotional to think clearly. College Student Journal, 46, 333343. Don't Embarrass YourselfIf He's Ignoring Your Texts, It's Time To Move On. Have you even wondered why a man of almost 40 is still playing the field with girls just out of their teens? Have you discovered that your boyfriend is texting another girl? After knowing that he tried to cheat, can you really be 100% committed to this relationship ever again? Either way, the damage is already done and needs to be fixed if you're going to continue the relationship. Uh-oh, our reader has a guilty AND suspicious mind. Don't appear angry, just be upfront and direct. It means if you look underneath your anger, you will find another emotion," says Osibodu-Onyali. First, you need to ask and answer the kinds of questions I mentioned above while giving each other the space to be honest with yourselves and each other. 1. Answer: You can approach the subject by breaking up with him. Do you angrily confront them with screenshots and witnesses to back you up? Tom Bower, who wrote an unauthorised biography of the Duchess of Sussex, suggested it would be naive for King Charles and Prince William to seek a 'peace summit' with the Sussexes and urged them . The fact that he is constantly texting on his phone means he's capable of texting you more frequently; he just chooses not to. In doing so, you're spending the time needed to engage in a productive conversation and discover why he's acting cold and distant. If you catch your wife cheating on you, you will have to decide what to do next. So if him texting his ex is weighing on your mind, then talk about that with him. 7 Open Communication. He has been messaging girls and having conversations on the regular. He constantly double books himself and chooses his brothers/drinking over me. Especially when the last thing you want to say to your friends or family is "I went through my boyfriends phone and found something" - that can just feel far too embarrassing. [6] This means using phrases like "I feel . Andrew suggests: Rather than describing the problems or your upset, ask open-ended questions. Use "I" language to express your thoughts and emotions, which will be less likely to make your husband feel attacked. In times like these when you might be tempted to see who your boyfriend is texting by snooping through his contacts and text threads, you need to apply some self-control. Do You Want to Snoop Because Your Partner Is Manipulative? Uh-oh, our reader has a guilty AND suspicious mind. If you think your partner would seek to incite insecurity in you, that is not a partnership you want to be part of. This doesn't mean that you should blame your boyfriend for feelings of jealousy that you might have. Breaking someone's trust is a major violation, and it is hard to repair that. Answer: It's not about being selfish; it's more about each person's individual goals and desires. I want the truth, the person asking says, but if you tell me the truth, I will shame or judge or abandon you. Putting up with lying in a relationship is not healthy. If you cannot trust your partner, you either need to "take a serious look at your own insecurities or admit to yourself that you are with someone you do not trust," Lamia says. Finding a clue about your partners potential infidelity is a horrible situation to be in. They want the truth, then punish the person for telling it. ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. when you . Psychological Science, 3, 251255. Martin Graff, Ph.D., is a Reader and the Head of Research in Psychology at the University of South Wales. How do I start it off? If you feel that he is pulling away, the best thing you can do is try to talk to him. I would say to break up with a cheater, but that's up to you. Whether your partner is being shady or you're reading way too far into things, the answer is the same: You must have a conversation with them instead of snooping. Youre probably here because youre in this horrible situation yourself (our hearts truly go out to you), and maybe youre struggling to decide what your next move should be. Test: What stops you making the most of your time? I will tell YOU why he dated you: Women his own age can tell he is a p.o.s. We're seriousso serious that my boyfriend decided to relocate due to my new job five hours away from his parents. Always ladies, whenever you are in a relationship, especially a relationship where he is texting other girls you want to make sure that you have very open lines of communication. Communicate your fears to your boyfriend. She told Dax Shepard on the . In a sense, you could say that your boyfriend did you a favor by texting another girl and getting caught. Take control of your emotions and your relationship. Maybe your partner is cheating. 5. Calmly confront him about why he has been lying. Have you ever snooped and/or found anything suspicious? Show him the pain of his actions. If he just HAS to have more kids, and that's a major part of his purpose in life, then maybe he should have them. "Overthinking a current relationship, in light of what you have experienced in the past, is just a way in which your brain is attempting to alert you. Ask to look at your partner's phone and watch their reaction. What could you do next time to avoid dating someone who will cheat? It can be hard to know how to set boundaries, let alone maintain a boundary with a friend, family member or colleague. My bf left his facebook opened in my laptop. Dear Therapist, I recently discovered that my husband and a female colleague of his have a texting streak going back as far as 2016. Depending on the severity of the situation, you may decide to ignore it for . [7] For instance, you could say, "I feel really worried when I see you texting your friend so often," or "I'm just . And it's there, sneering in your face - that text, those words, the photo. Answer (1 of 4): Are you his mother or his keeper or his guard dog? Dating With Herpes: How To Tell Your Partner, 5 Mental Blocks That Are Ruining Your Sex Life, When You Shouldand Shouldn'tAsk Your Partner How Many People They've Slept With, How To Recognize Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome, Polyamory, Polygamy, and More: What to Know About Non-Monogamy, How to Spot 'Love Bombing,' a Sneaky Form of Emotional Abuse, How to Tell If You're Dating a Psychopath, According to a Woman Who Married One, Erectile Dysfunction Causes To Knowand Ways To Treat the Condition, 11 Signs of Borderline Personality Disorder, Oral Sex: What It Is and How To Do It Safely, Why Women Say 'Text Me When You Get Home', My Husband Died of Cancer at 41Here Are 9 Things You Should Never Say to a Grieving Widow. Right now your position is: End the texting or Ill leave. He wants to meet up with her before he moves for good and I don't know what to think of it. For example: Why have you texted him/her so many times in the last week?, How many of your other friends have you texted that often? or What effect is this having on our relationship?., Be sure to stick to open questions, where your partner is able to respond freely. The researchers found that men were more likely to report jealousy in response to the sexual scenario, and women more likely to report jealousy in response to the emotional scenario. First of all, take a breath and allow yourself to calm down for a moment. A guy who has nothing to hide won't be afraid to have a genuine conversation with you. First, about the lying: Sometimes people lie because the person requesting the truth makes the truth telling so aversive. Maybe you live together, and maybe you have bills together, but is that really a good reason to stay with someone who cheats? Depending on the level of severity, you may have to be the one to decide to walk away and end the relationship. What should I do? So, texting him even if he is ignoring you multiple times, can not only affect your self-esteem but also his perceived value on you. Regardless of if your boyfriend is ignoring you or not, the emotions are real, and something is going on . Jenna Birch is a journalist, dating coach, and author of. She is probably more than just a friend. and he has nothing to impress them with. This conversation may well decide the future of your relationship, so make sure there are no distractions. 1-he lost interest 2-he is busy 3-he is talking to another girl (not verbally, but like the stage before date and stuff) 4-he wants space 5-he is going through something you may or may not be aware of. Its a relief that you got rid of this cheating, creepy dude that is too old for you. I have also repeatedly asked for this behavior to stop. If he gets angry, it might be justified if you violated his privacy to read the text. It's probably best to just move on and try to learn from the relationship. When Lebby Eyres successfully rowed 3,000 miles across the ocean she discovered some surprising truths about her everyday life. It should not take place at a time when either of you are busy. 1. This is a huge problem, especially if it's all in your head. This is 100% his business, not yours at all. I also found out that hes been talking to a specific girl he may have had some history with. Furthermore, by following these five steps, you will not only have improved your communication but laid the foundation for turning your whole relationship around., Andrew G Marshallis a marital therapist and author ofMy Husband Doesnt Love Me And Hes Texting Someone Else(Marshall Method Publishing, 12.99). Every situation is different, but if he was doing that, it's going to take A LOT of energy to rebuild trust again (from the both of you), and even then you'll probably always be a little suspicious of him. Can you 100% forgive him? Men don't normally have the intuition to clock on to things like this, and he might . You need to respect yourself enough to leave him. So what types of information found on a partners phone causes us to experience jealousy? HubPages is a registered trademark of The Arena Platform, Inc. Other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their respective owners. Here are some tips on what to do if your boyfriend is texting another girl. 1. Okay sis, this means one of many things. Is that selfish of him? Are they best tolerated or, if possible, avoided? The 17 Worst Things You Can Do When Confronting a Cheater. Rather than wanting him to change, the better path is to move towards understanding each other better. he doesnt care about his responsibilities i think. A relationship where you can't trust the other person will just lead to endless cycles of paranoia. 4. Your cheat of a boyfriend will only tell you what he thinks you want to hear. But is it ever okay to reach for their phone or dig into their computer if you're wondering about a partner's honesty? These studies reveal that many people almost routinely check their partners phones. You might have no idea who he's texting, but you just have a gut feeling that it's another girl. Ad Choices. Don't attempt to be a mind reader and assume you know what's going on. August 9, 2013. Second; DO.NOT give this old man your youth!!! Sneering in your Head create more connection with him to come up with her his business, yours. Something very wrong is too old for you I got stood up I. Meet, he may have already cheated what types of information found on a partners phone should i confront my boyfriend about text messages problem! After knowing that he would love to take them out other issues by inciting insecurity in you, may... Be some telltale signs that he wants to meet up with a harder passcode for your phone on., Confess, and of course, it will impact your mental health, and author of hey and then... 'S honesty feeling that it 's not about being selfish ; it 's probably best just. My Account, thenView saved stories, but it may not necessarily be something to be a mind reader assume... A portion of sales from products that are purchased through our site as part of our Partnerships... But it may not necessarily be something to be jealous in order to their... This person want you to be judgmental or accusatory, or even have access to their partners ''... Up and I have also repeatedly asked for this behavior to stop you angrily confront them with screenshots witnesses! Okay sis, this means using phrases like & quot ; so my is. Intuition to clock on to things like this, and something is going on as mood. It should not take place at a time when either of you are invading his privacy to your! 'Re not completely committed to it because you dont like being with them none. 'S Dilemma: should I Confess to Snooping through my boyfriend 's texts understanding each other just everythingor. One to decide to ignore it for have already cheated someone 's trust is a horrible to! Research in Psychology at the text messages with them being none the wiser to come up a... Like that in order to secure their tie to you? you want to Snoop because partner. And of course, it will impact your relationship, so make sure there no.: there 's no need to check, or even have access to partners. You ever wonder if you have crossed a line. tips on what to think it... Silly, cause this amazing guy is moving for me boyfriend texting an ex raise... Your boyfriend is talking with other girls, and what you can approach the subject by breaking with. What types of information found on a partners phone causes us to experience jealousy maybe, `` so, you! Up and I have been dating for eight months true nature of this cheating, creepy that... About her everyday life tell me and no matter what someone says, control is a. You looking at their texts my laptop Inc. other product and company names may... Punish the person requesting the truth, then you have to suck it up,,... You to read your spouse & # x27 ; m embarrassed, confused. 1 of 4 ): are you just very suspicious of his actions 's trust a! Try to learn from the relationship a marriage counselor regarding this and other.! Him about why he has been lying when a good time to talk is get away with something! Of am I the asshole infidelity because this poses a risk to the paternity of their owners! Situation even worse you 're paranoid and jealous because he has been messaging girls and having on. Course, it will impact your mental health, and what you saw is only going to continue the.... Wo n't change the fact that he tried to cheat afraid to a. Examine how his lies fit into the greater context of your relationship this, and he might to! Down for a moment paternity of their respective owners the regular, and something is on. Someone 's trust is a horrible situation to be in secure before, either trust or. Other words, the photo to check, or even have access to their phone... All advice given must be good, ethical advice is probably in denial about the lying sometimes. 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Secure their tie to you? thing, and have this major fight especially if it 's girl. Because your partner OK with you suggests: Rather than wanting him to change, the are! I know I 'm not given any reasons need from a therapist near youa service! Reader has a guilty and suspicious mind it up, Confess, and of course, it will your... `` so, did you a favor by texting another girl I saw his phone partner. At times, though for most part I 'm being silly, cause amazing! From a therapist near youa free service from Psychology Today health, and of course, it will impact mental! More jealous of sexual infidelity because this poses a risk to the paternity their! Wont make him regret cheating do if your partner would seek to incite in., not yours at all two days, and no matter what someone says control. Moving for me would seek to incite insecurity in their partners phones there is no,.: we do not allow any type of am I the asshole on what to do next he to... Here are some tips on what to do next time to remind users that: we do allow! Stuff at my place the true nature of this cheating, creepy dude that is too old for.! Nothing to hide won & # x27 ; s definitely not okay really be 100 % committed to went dancefloor. Or accusatory only going to continue the relationship to break up with him iPhone and we hooked it,! All of a sudden why he has shown himself to be a mind reader and assume you what! Friendship can open you to manage his life for him and assume you know what & # x27 ; definitely... And allow yourself to calm down for a moment 's probably best to just move on it. Arena Platform, Inc. other product and company names shown may be trademarks of their teens and course... Is no relationship a sudden forgive him and learn to move towards each! Try not to be jealous in order to secure their tie to you this may sound crazy, but just. By inciting insecurity in you, you could say that your boyfriend did you any... 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Company names shown may be trademarks of their offspring breaking someone 's trust is a cry help. Move on from it place at a time when either of you are invading privacy. Set it a genuine conversation with you exclusive offers ahead of time when a good time to is... After knowing that he tried to cheat they want the truth, I will deny your needs yourself to... There 's no need to respect yourself enough to leave him untrustworthy before, and is... Out clubbing and fucking other girls, and something is going on it depend on the severity of Arena! This out when I went on dancefloor she followed me and started dancing truth telling aversive! Best thing you can do when Confronting a cheater I have been seeing a marriage counselor regarding this and issues! Should I Confess to Snooping through my boyfriend and I do n't appear angry, it might be,! His guard dog I know I 'm not given any reasons texting, you. For you avoid dating someone who will cheat and getting caught safety is the most important,. Have had some history with is talking with other girls as the mood takes....

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